I are mosquito all you can eat buffet.

A Portuguese Mr Miyagi enters the doors of the hostel and we are bundled into a yellow cab signalling the beginning of the journey to Ilha Grande. We pick up a Colombian couple and I am forced to sit on the bump in the middle of the back seat. This gives me a better view of how close Portu-Miyagi likes to drive to other vehicles and also assists in the degredation of my spine. Portu-Miyagi cackles as we hit bumps on the uneven roads and the car careers through the luscious dense countryside. I can’t stop staring at his hands which look like he has partied with an industrial crushing machine or perhaps has had a visit from Brazillian mafioso bailiffs, keen to repossess his fingertips. His fingernails grow like talons out of the center of his fingertips like wolverine in a semi erect state.

We arrive at the departure dock and meet Fred, the owner of the Aquario hostel. Fred is beyond sun-kissed with wild greying curly hair. A bit like my uncle Geoff. The bags get loaded onto the boat and we travel from the mainland to Ilha Grande. Fred is a proud man and struts around in a thick Portuguese accent.

The island is huge and feels very much like the landscape of a Jurassic park film. T-Rex couples sunbathe on the white sandy beaches valiantly trying to apply suncream to each other with their tiny arms. Lush green vegetation dominates the mountainscapes and empty unspoilt beaches sail by swaggering with an embarrassment of beauty. Eventually we arrive at Abraao and dock right in front of our hostel, Aquario poussada. The hostel overlooks the bay of Abraao which is considered the commercial center of Ilha Grande. No cars are allowed on the island and people just simply walk the sandy tracks. The coarseness of the sand differs wildly between the equivalent of an almost painful granulated coral type to a silky smooth caster sugar variation.

I are mosquito, all you can eat buffet.
When we eat out, so do the Mosquitos. Attacks to the knuckles, toes and ankles are prevalent and I keep the mosquito population of Ilha Grande nicely fed for the three days we spend there. We party on the first night and meet A few people from the Hostel varying in ethnicity, origin and smell. Ofie, a trainee lawyer from Harrow hangs with us and we all go snorkelling to the Blue and Green lagoons on the island.

We swim with the fishes for a while and eat a freshly cooked Brazillian barbecue on the beach. Tifa our main guide brings her two dogs pepper and cappuccino. Of the dogs on the island these two are quite cute and have no fear of water, jumping between boats with ease. Cappuccino is a small off white coloured mongrel with an eye for lady dogs. During our preparation to leave Cappuccino loses his doggy cherry with a native dog of the snorkel island to the amusement of our group. Cappuccino then gets his doggy penis stuck in native island doggy’s woo woo and is dragged around the beach to the hilarity of our group. Buckets of cold water have no effect and cappuccino is dragged into the jungle by native doggy. Just as our guide cranks the boat motor to leave, cappuccino comes running out of the palms and launches himself into the boat to the admiration of the crew. Cappuccino then collapses and falls asleep on the deck of the boat, attaining the status of hero of the day. Well done Cappuccino.